thoughts from a mommy of three amazings.

what a blessing it is to be a stay-at-home mom.
i am so thankful.

as i was doing some journaling this weekend, i was thinking about my love for these boys of mine...
a long time ago, when me & my mom were talking about it, she described my love perfectly...it is such a dramatic fierce love.
a dramatic.fierce.love.
there are times, to be honest, when i can feel so consumed with this love, that it actually takes my breath away.
i'm not an anxious person.
BUT, the thought of something happening to one of these boys of mine can literally send me into such an incredible---panic.
panic.
the only word to describe how that thought makes me feel.

i am always striving to be the best mom that i can be for them...as i think every parent should...BUT...BUT...i can once again {given my personality} take this to an extreme.
here's my reality...i have set myself up---for failure.
i have for so long, expected myself and required myself to be a perfect mom.
perfection.
possible as a parent?
unfortunately, not.
this has been an extremely hard lesson for me to learn over the past 4 months {with my sean's help}
my heart would get so wounded if i felt frustrated with one of these amazings. i once again, had set myself up to believe---to truly believe---that i would never.ever feel frustrated with my children.
sean, my family, & my close friends would try to explain to me that feeling
frustrated is absolutely.positively.ok. it's how as a mom, you deal with that frustration. THAT is the important thing.
i try my hardest every.single.day. sometimes it is every.single.minute at some points during our day, to not get frustrated...and i am so sad to admit, that i have at times, failed.
to me, the most important thing, is to let them know when i have failed and to sincerely apologize to them for it.
how can a parent not apologize to their child when a child is expected to apologize to a parent for being naughty or disrespectful?
i think it is so important to say, "i am sorry. i am sorry for getting frustrated with you. i am sorry. will you please forgive me?" {this is usually accompanied with me hugging one of them and crying}
i mean, when the chaotic, crazy moment has passed, you look at those presh faces and think...how the heck could i get frustrated??

now, i know this seems to be going on & on, but track with me for a bit longer....
in my constant journey to be the best mom for these 3 boys that i have been blessed with, i am always prayerful to be patient. to correct with love. to discipline with love---not frustration. that is key.
thankfully, these amazings of mine are more than happy to extent grace to their mommy and say, "i forgive you, mommy."

as i think about parenting, i think how blessed i was to have had the gift of an amazing mother. wow, were laura & i ever blessed growing up. my mother had a passion for mothering. did she make mistakes along the way?...sure. BUT, i do remember her apologizing to us for those mistakes. i may not remember her apologizing to me when i was tiny like my 3 boys, BUT, she has apologized to us as adults for those mistakes. how beautiful is that? and isn't that the thing that is important?

we get one chance at raising our children. one.
parents have the ability to make or break their child. {to a certain degree}
parents can so damage that relationship---starting from when their children are tiny.
how frightening is that?
the thought of damaging my relationship with one of my boys sickens me. it literally makes me sick.
i know i will make mistakes as they grow.
i know i will say something to hurt them.
BUT, i want to always be mindful to NOT do that.
to always be mindful of what i say to them and how i say it.
and most importantly, to apologize.

as mom's, we have been given such an incredible gift.
i think to mother well, we need to have such an incredible passion for mothering.
there are those times when we get hit with everything all.at.once.
when we want more than anything to just hop in the car and get away---even for if only 5 minutes---and i am learning that.is.ok.
those times can be so rejuvenating.
and so necessary.

there are so many things i am constantly learning on this journey of motherhood...
may i always learn.